indifference

today I was wondering what the perfect day would mean for me...
First of all I would wake up not knowing how this day is gonna be. It'd be just before sunrise, so I go out and see the sky getting light. Then I'd make myself some coffee, have breakfast in front of the open window and listen to "El Morro". While brushing my teeth I'd look into the mirror and find myself looking ok.
There no specific ideas about what happens next, probably nothing work-like and definitely no dentist! When checking my mail I'd have a postcard from a friend who's enjoying their holidays and wishes I would be with them, and a letter from my phone company who apologize for the inconvenience and accept my demand to get one more free month. On the street someone would smile at me without any special reason. I'd take the bike instead of the public transport, be much faster and listen to great music while riding in the sun. I'd meet someone unexpectedly and have an interesting conversation while we'd have our lunch.
When I'd come home the kitchen wouldn't look like a mess and when I turn on the radio they'd play at least two songs I really liked and haven't heard for a while. A friend would call and we talk about things we've done together, have a nice laugh and make an appointment to see each other soon. Of course there'd be frisbee practise where I'd do some nice catches/ throws/ lay-out's... and my trainer would tell me I've done well.
I'd make dinner with friends, someone - not me - would do the dishes. We'd drink wine, play games and, above all, make music together, whereas I'd play a Neil Young song on the guitar and everyone else sings along.
Before the day ends I'd go out for a little walk, look at the stars, feel the wind blow and have a little tear in my eye because I'd realize who lucky I am and that it has been a perfect day.

so... does this sound so unachievable? The truth is, every single day I find one of these small things happening, not all at the same time, though. I'm not looking for the big events like wining the lottery, attending a private concert of Billy Joel or saving the world. I just want to be able to enjoy normality with all these special moments, which I really can't at the moment. I'm not gonna have a perfect day. I'll go on with my life, or better: It goes on with me caught in it, wanting to be and act differently, failing. But tell me, how much difference does it make?

Verweigerung - refusal *

again, I got a soundtrack, this time as for late winter's season, for when it's sunny and snowing outside sometimes but grey for the most of it...



to my surprise I found all the songs on youtube, not all of them in good quality, though.
the playlist:

1. the decemberists - the crane wife (after a japanese legend, also listen to the album of the same name)
2. tracy chapman - fast car (I just need someone to drive me... ;) )
3. soko - I'll kill her (thanks for the recommodation, Peda!)
4. beatles - you've got to hide your love away ("there'll be someone else..." bla bla)
5. five for fighting - superman (has life always been so difficult? I can't remember...)
6. ben harper - walk away ( "oh no, here comes that sun again...", great line)
7. joy division - transmission (this vioce... what an atmosphere...)
8. colourful grey - to end all songs (bad version on youtube, thrilling when performed live)
9. blink 182 - miss you (...and I always will)
10. kate nash - foundations (what's gone wrong?)
11. janis joplin - leaving on a jetplane (john denver's also great on this song, but I love the dumbo-vid on youtube! so cute!)
12. timmy thomas - why can't we live together (why?)
13. bee gees - and the sun will shine (it's true, I suppose...reminds me of old days with my mom...)
14. pearl jam - indifference (wow, eddie's voice is great. youtube has a nice version with ben harper)
15. queen - somebody to love (the incredible sound of freddie and his gang)
16. the who/ pete townshend - drowned (saw it live, different who-style, still amazing)
17. martin sexton - diner (you can't deny this little moments of pleasure between all that darkness... especially with scrubs on it)
18. the coral - dreaming of you (first heard on copa, full of memories)
19. ted's band - somewhere over the rainbow (performed in scrubs, goose-bumping)
20. suede - next life (...)

there's no song to express my exact feelings, I never had that before, but this time I couldn't find none to truely describe my situation. I guess, I have to write it myself. and it disproves my theory that all good songs have already been written and performed, all feelings have been expressed...

so what's left for me to say now, after all that great music above? well, thanks to people who (unlike me) still believe in what I'm doing, I reckon there'll be a time when I go on, as for the moment I have paused. I refuse to accept, to look forward and especially to forget.

no matter I often I'm told
time will outlast the pain
I'm reluctant to imagine
to give up on our love

don't try to change that.
or as my dad put's it: " 's is, wie's is." (it's how it is) life always goes on; and that's why it never has a happy ending, as they pretend in movies. life just doesn't end. you know, somehow I don't find that very consoling...

*~*

das wichtigste auf deutsch:
was bleibt mir nun noch zu sagen, nach all der wundervollen musik oben? nunja, danke einiger leute, die (im gegensatz zu mir) noch an die dinge glauben, die ich tue, schätze ich es wird zeiten geben wo es für mich weitergeht, wo hingegen ich im moment einfach nur pausiere. ich weigere mich zu akzeptieren, vorwärts zu schauen oder gar zu vergessen.

egal wie oft mir gesagt wird
zeit wird den schmerz überdauern
ich weigere mich mir vorzustellen
unsere liebe aufzugeben

versucht nicht das zu ändern.
oder wie mein papa gerne sagt: " 's is, wie's is." das leben geht immer weiter; und deswegen gibt es auch niemals ein happy end wie einem in filmen gern vorgegaukelt wird. das leben hört nicht einfach auf. nunja, irgendwie finde ich das nicht sehr tröstlich...

stuck between past and present*

es ist fasching, alle verkleiden sich. da is noch platz in der maskerade. ich bin ein fröhlicher mensch.



du bist gegangen, mit dir der glanz im leben. es ist wie unter milchglas...
versuche, meine probleme in rauch aufzulösen. emotionen ertränkt in nebel. suche nach antworten im dunst...

frisbee lenkt ab. damen quali, frankfurt richtet aus, gemütliche atmosphäre. mein team hat riesen fortschritte gemacht innerhalb eines jahres, können mithalten. alle genießen das wochenende.
ich bin eine schlechte schauspielerin. fühle die abneigung mich zu verstellen, nur um meiner würde und der illusion willen wird sie überwunden. "du siehst blass aus..."
das spielen läuft super, endlich sind wir alle ein team. ich kann mich nicht richtig konzentrieren, lasse oft die scheibe fallen, unnötig. viele knappe spiele, brauchen die männer um in stimmung zu kommen und den kampfgeist zu erlangen. werden dritter, sind sehr zufrieden. und müde...
keine zeit, mich zu verstecken, zu viele dinge zu erledigen, deren enthaltung zuviele fragen ausfwerfen würden. ich will keine antworten geben. jemand fragt "wie gehts?" und ich hab das gefühl in der falle zu sitzen. gar nicht gehts. gefühle vergraben. schacht dicht.

samstag abend, essen mit 2 der damenmannschaften, lustige runde. verzweifelter anruf einer freundin, ihr freund hätte mit ihr schluss gemacht. fahre später nach hause, um mit ihr zu reden.
sonntag abend, mein nachbar taucht auf um mir verbittert von der trennung von seiner freundinzu erzählen... in was für einer kaputten welt leben wir eigentlich?

es ist doch nichts besonderes... alle haben probleme. warum sollte ich meine noch dazu addieren? zumal niemand etwas ändern kann...daher kann auch niemand helfen. nicht jetzt.
wenn alles untereinander gesagt wurde verschwindet die hoffnung, dass worte von außenstehenden noch viel ändern werden...
ich bin innerlich taub, will und kann nichts fühlen. glücklichsein scheint außer frage, sobald man gefühle zulässt wird man kaum mehr kontrollieren können, was es für welche sind.

sinnlosigkeit drängt sich auf, ziele verblassen, werte verlieren ihre gültigkeit.
im radio spielen sie "helau!", fröhliche karnevalsmusik, alle sollen mitmachen!
"I woke today, suddenly nothing happened..."
aufstehen hat sowas von an attraktivität verloren. es fehlt an guten aussichten. es fehlt an der basis und am besonderen gleichzeitig. es fehlt an dir.

schneide meine haare ab, die spitzen sind kaputt, viel zu lang. eine halbe stunde, nachts um 1, mindestens 3 kilo. irgendwie macht's das leichter.
die feststellung, dass verdrängung gut funktioniert, lässt reden zum umkehrschluss werden und scheidet aus aus dem rahmen der möglichkeiten. je weniger desto besser. zu viele möglichkeiten machen einfache dinge sehr kompliziert.

was bleibt ist der wellengang, hin und her gerissen zwischen unentrinnbaren glücksmomenten und unvermeidbarer leere. solange ich die kontrolle behalte geht alles in ordnung.
wie geht's?
ja, es geht in ordnung.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it's carnival, everyone's dressing. there's still space in the maquerade. I am a happy person.

[see the video above]

you are gone, and with you life's glamour. it's like under milky glass...
try to let my problems end up in smoke. emotions drowned in fog. search for answers in the dust...

frisbee's distracting. women's quali, frankfurt's organizing, laid-back atmosphere. my team has made a big progress within the last year, we can keep up. everyone's enjoying the weekend.
I'm a bad actress. feel the refusal to dissemble, just for the sake of my dignity and the illusion it's overcome. "you look pale..."
the playing's going on pretty good, finally we're all a team. I can't really focus, drop the disc many times, unnecessary. many tight games, we need the men to get into the right mood and find our will to fight. come in third, are very happy. and tired...
no time for me to hide, too many things to take care of and surely abstention would bring up too many questions. I don't wanna give answers. someone's asking "how's it going?" and I feel trapped. nothing's going. feelings burried. pit closed.

saturday night, dinner with 2 of the women's teams, funny group. desperate call from a friend, her boyfriend broke up with her. I go home later on to talk to her.
sunday night, my neighbour shows up to tell me about his bitter break-up with his girlfriend... what's that busted world we live in?

it's nothing special, is it... we all have problems. why should I add mine on top? especially when noone can change anything... that's why noone can help as well. not now.
when everything has been said among each other, hope vanishes that words from outsiders could still change something...
I am numb inside, can't and don't want to feel anything. being happy is out of question, as soon as feelings are allowed it gets hard to control of which kind they are.

senselessness is imposing, goals are fading, values are losing their validity.
they play "helau!" in the radio, happy carnival-music, everybody shall join in!
"I woke today, suddenly nothing happened..."
getting up really damn depreciates. there's a lack of good perspectives. a lack of basis and particularity at the same time. a lack of you.

cutting my hair, got split ends, way too long. half an hour, 1 a.m., at least 3 kg. somehow it makes it easier.
the detection that repression works well makes talking the reverse and drops out of the bounds of possibilities. the less the better. too many possibilities make simple things quite complicated.

what's left is the wavy up and down, being torn between inescapable lucky moments and unavoidable emptyness. as long as I keep control everything's going ok.
how's it going?
yeah, it's ok.

weird!

...my favourite word at the moment, probably of all times... I read it in ABOUT A BOY by Nick Hornby, trying to ignore it when it first appeared (cause that's what you do with unknown words, esp. when you're too lazy to look them up. that works until that word shows up for the 3rd or 4th time...), then making it to one of my most often used ones. In the Hornby-book-context it was used as "odd", "strange" and even "different", i.e. in a more bad sense. But I liked it cause it me it seems that things are rather strange than normal, there's nothing you get really used to, people you think you know suddenly turn out to be someone else and whenever you're sure nothing can surprise you... well, it happens. Maybe it's that I'm crazy but for me it feels I don't get to rest, life speeds up, nothings is quite the same every day. Just to avoid missunderstandings: That's the way I like it (uh-hu, uh-hu), I don't want my life to be boring, turning in circles, be defined by normality. Ok, here's the but: I only wish it would be a bit more reliable. I know it's nothing personal... (the system "doing good = being rewarded; doing bad = being punished" doesn't work at all, at least not for the universe. think about it.)

so, the weird thing that happened to me yesterday, I wanna start a bit further in history...
Rob was in Frankfurt to visit me over the weekend, took the night train and I picked him up at 6:30 a.m. It's nice going back to bed early in the morning... Saturday night we went to see CONTROL (with german subtitles), a sacry, genius, thrilling movie I must strictly recommend. As usual Rob had to leave sunday; he called from the train station and txted later after knowing which train to take. Then my mobile acted weird... normally, after I use it, the screen saver shows up after about a minute, so the other background picture (guess what it is...) disappears. This time, it wouldn't do anything, so Rob kept smiling at me from my mobile. Call it coincidence or whatsoever, these things happen and they don't care if you treat them as a sign or as random curiosity. Well, as mentioned earlier, I don't believe in randomness... And life IS weird, other proofs will follow...

PS: here's the soundtrack, quite fitting...

"In der Ruhe liegt die Würze"

**english tournament-report see below**

Im tristen Januar - so ganz ohne Glanz und Schnee - erinnern wir uns gerne an Dinge, die wir mögen. meine persönliche Hochphase des Komödiantischen... Lieblingszitat des Tages siehe oben.
andere Profis:



habe mir das Video gerade zum (geschätzten) 10. mal angesehn.

genauso toll ist auch:

ich beneide Kalkofe um seinen Wortwitz wie Sick (Zwiebelfisch) um seine Auffassungsgabe...
hier einige tolle Beispiele:

in diesem Hotel kann man nicht nur mit dem Nachtwächter einen heben... oder sich von diesem heben lassen?














Fall ihr Weihnachten Ente gegessen habt.. Vorsicht! Hoffentlich war es nicht die Angie...















Falls sowas die Gemüter nicht erheitert, gibt es immernoch wundervolle Musik zum anhören: hier.

so schwingt man sich durch die Tage. Deutlich geht es bergauf, der Weg nimmt Formen an und Hindernisse sind ja bekanntlich am besten überwindbar, wenn deutlich sichtbar. Singend durch die Strassen tanzen, über Sorgen lachen, nörgelnde Menschen angrinsen.. ganz so weit isses noch nicht, aber solange Sonnenaufgänge - farbenprächtig unerwartet belebend - noch faszinieren ist nichts verloren.
die News dann auf englisch. logisch!

************

well then, since I don't think -on the one hand - translating the stuff above would make sense and my german speaking friends are interested in frisbee on the other hand, 2 differnt stories in 2 different languages...
Dresden! yay! my first tourney in my hometown (Heimat!), exciting, exhausting and exillusioning (I know this word doesn't exist, just created it in my poetic freedom): again I decided to play with two team during the whole tournament, Frankfurt, which I just cannot leave on it's own, somehow I feel the connection, the raised me, created the frisbee player I am today; and Ilmenau/ Forest Jump, who didn't have a single woman and whom I already played for at my anniversary tournament in Würzburg, nice guys. Both teams are equal, though the gap between the various players, referring to the level of experience, is bigger in the Frankfurt-Team, e.g. between Eva, Jello, Uwe and the rest. So we arrived with 6 women and 3 men, took some pick-up's from Ilmenau, Mother Tongue (Wayne) and DJ Dahlem (Marion) and therefor got a bit further than we would have with the many women on the field...
since I played 16 games altogether it's quite hard for me to remeber very single one, but to give a summary: lost games = (F)7, (I)5 ; games won = (F)1, (I)3
It was easier for me to play with Ilmenau, it seemed that they were more organized on the field, making better offers, more exact throws (I mean, still throwing away a lot, but not as far as Frankfurt...). Frankfurt had the better defence, Jello was everywhere and Uwe did some nice blocks. I felt that having pick-up's and putting them in charge makes it even more difficult to become a team. obviously that is Frankfurt biggest problem: since we have so many players, the same people rarely play together on tournaments.
anyways, it was a lot of fun and a weird experience to play from noon till midnight. it really didn't hurt to play the double amount, since Ilmenau always had the game right after Frankfurt , I was already warm and it didn't really matter if I play 25 or 50min. What I didn't like were the long breaks cause it turned out to be tough getting back on your feet after resting for over 1h.
all the time I looked for some friends of mine to show up but in vain... noone came to see me play. don't know what I expected, probably too much as usual, still... why didn't they at least come to the party?
anyways, I was so tired, not sore, but sleepy, that I rested for most of the time, watching people play badminton with disc as racquets over a living net. So funny to see the net throwing stuff (clothes, shoes!) at the men, the women were spared. see, there's some justice in this world... ;) so instead of going to bag I spent my time haninging out with the MT-guys - very funny, but stupid shallow girl-jokes/-talk (again, what did I expect?) - letting my drunk boyfriend ridcule me with dump lines, always assuring "Just kidding!", and talking about everything. the clock showed 5:43 a.m. when I finally closed the sleeping bag zip, then Rob came and again, he was so cute when he was drunk. so careful not to wke me up, but I couldn't sleep anyways...
after a very short night and way to few hours of recovering I felt so not ready to run after a piece of plastic again but my team spirit and sense of duty was stronger. Only 4 games today, should be possible. It was. and then the surprise: Marie came to watch me playing, followed by Jojo a few minutes later. Even my mum and my aunt showed up to see what my heart is bleeding for... I'm not quite sure if I did a good show but at least they had some nice impressions as I was told afterwards.
unforntunately there was a bit of an unecessary bad discussion about when to leave towards Frankfurt. Everone else wanted to go as soon as possible, doing without the finals and award-ceremony. it seemd to me, some were frustrated, not doing so well (we came in 12th out of 14, I think), not being able to play or whatever... Sergey said: "Why should we got to the Siegerehrung/winner's ceremony when we are no Sieger/ winners?" How unspirited! Luckily I could find a ride with a different team and so stay until the end. Then I had to say goodbye to my now good frisbee friends (yes, we are like a big family) and leave Dresden... but not for good!
so, when is the next tournament? can't wait! ;)

holdin on

(ja, diesmal wieder auch auf deutsch geben, siehe unten)

[this is from the nightshift yesterday... i.e. loads of time for thinking and writing...]
a thought a lot during the last days – nothing new, actually, but still different. there are a lot of choices to be made, some of them every day... is it gonna be nutella again for breakfast or something else maybe? where shall I go after my successful prediploma? halle? dresden? berlin? after all I probably just stay cause in the end it all comes different anyways...
the ultimate question is: if you know what's gonna happen, would you do things different then?
...wow, after only a few sentences I already produced a mess of thoughts.
whatever...
the fear that was awaiting me in the new year is slowly vanishing, thanks to time, distraction and newly gained confidence. well, somehow missing alternatives got something to do with it, too. I'll never forget that, no matter what happens, which problems I gotta face, there'll always be the certainty that I gotta try, gotta fight, hold on.
it probably sounds weird but it makes me angry when bad things happen and that gives me energy.
some may think that I have no reasons to complain, that my life is great and I just behave like a spoiled little girl who's freaking out and in a huff everytime she doesn't get what she wants. maybe. could be some truth in it. all I want is attention, loads of it, and that's horrible! cause I'm way to unsecure about myself to be in the spotlight that often. how paradox! (and just one of the examples for my paradox character. to be continued...)
so, who made it until this point – congratulations! hard to imagine that someone exept myself finds this selfanalyses interesting... but now you get the reward:












































now the story about new year's, something easier to follow... (and it's gonna be shorter, lalalaaaa)

new year's soundtrack: mr.vain – dr alban, two princes – spin doctors, die da – fanta 4, I've got the power - snap, stark – ich+ich

>> getting drunk the night before, despite balancing problems I play table tennis, works out pretty well. meeting some elijah-wood-looking-guy who's 29 (oh! my! god! how old!), german and named Leslie. I don't believe him, he doesn't care. meeting new zealanders which completely freaks me out! meeting a guy – umm ralf? sebastian? - who offers me a cigarette, I'm taking it, he tries to convince me to sign some sort of convention against the non-smoking-law, telling him I won't do that cause I'm non-smoker.
31st, waking up, feeling horrible, showering, b***ing, going to the airport, having rob back and not being able to enjoy thanks to hangover, out of airport, almost having to b*** again (I've never been more proud of my self-control!), back to bed at home. getting up at 6p.m. after 6h of sleep, going out, eating for the 1st time of the day, very spicy, tasty. drinking strawberry-daiquiris with sine, lori, russ and rob – for me without alcohol. then off to party of a friend of rob's friend, fun place, new faces, coll 90s music, little alcohol for me, loads for rob and lori. trying to relax, enjoy, have fun, works almost until after midnight when rob tells me that he accepted the job in bern.yeah, that helps forgetting the worries about my dad! cheers! then he's off to party on, I need to talk, find someone I'd never expected to be so understanding. when will I ever learn not to judge people on first sight/ impression? someone else is behaving in a way I'd never expected as well, but in a bad sense, making out with different other people, heartless, meaningless. but I'm not the one to judge, making too many mistakes on my own... weird night, scary new year, stuck between the desire just to have fun and the need of solving all my problems. start getting home at 4 a.m., arriving there at 5.30, rob totally worn out, me all messed up, sine all alone. the illusion of old worries disappearing together with the old year gone forever...<<

that's it. I should rather see all these things as a chance and (finally) start learning from them. sometimes it just needs a little kick to take back courage: when I was at work doing nightshifts some days ago, I went into a person's room to bring her to bed, just when there was this special scene of lord of the rings2 on tv. it's the one about the war over helms deep, when every hope is lost, the enemy seems unbeatable and they were doomed. suddenly everyone is gaining courage, out of nowhere it seems first but then understandable cause gandalf appears with the rising sun and the fight can be won. since I don't believe in chance I felt this was God's way to gimme a friendly kick in the ass, saying: go on! don't give up! as long as I always find a reason that's worth fighting for... maybe I don't even need that, but only a reason why giving up is not a good idea...

***

[das ist gestern im nachtdienst entstanden, dh viel zeit zum nachdenken und aufschreiben...]

ich habe viel nachgedacht in letzter zeit - eigentlich ja nichts neues, aber trotzdem anders als sonst. viele entscheidungen müssen getroffen werden, manche jeden tag neu... sollte ich schon wieder nutella essen oder doch mal was anderes? wo solls nach meinem erfolgreichen vordiplom hingehen? halle? dresden? berlin? am ende bleibe ich doch, denn es kommt ja eh immer anders als man denkt...

aber die ultimative frage ist doch: wenn man vorher weiß was passiert, würde man sich dann anders verhalten?

ok, nach nur ein paar sätzen habe ich es schon geschafft, ein chaos an gedanken zu produzieren.

egal...

die angst, welche mir im neuen jahr aufgelauert hatte, verschwindet langsam dank vergehender zeit, ablenkung und neu gewonnener zuversicht. irgendwie hat es auch damit zu tun, dass ich gar keine andere wahl habe. das werde ich nie abschalten können, egal was kommt, welche probleme mich plagen, es wird immer die gewissheit geben, dass ich es versuchen muss, kämpfen muss, durchhalten.

es klingt sicher merkwürdig, aber es macht mich wütend, wenn schlechte dinge passieren und dass gibt mir energie. einiges denken vielleicht, dass ich gar keinen grund hätte mich zu beschweren, dass mein leben toll ist und ich mich nur wie ein verwöhntes kleines mädchen benehme, welches rumzickt und beleidigt ist, wenn es nicht das kriegt, was es will. vielleicht. könnte ein körnchen wahrheit drimstecken. alles was ich will ist aufmerksamkeit, ganz viel, und das ist schrecklich! weil ich viel zu viele selbstzweifel habe um so oft im rampenlicht zu stehen. wie paradox! (das ist nur ein beispiel meines widersprüchlichen charakters. fortsetzung folgt...)

so, wer bis hierher gekommen ist – glückwunsch! schwer vorstellbar, dass jemand anderes außer mir diese selbstberieselung/-analyse interessant findet. aber nun kommt die belohnung:

fotos siehe oben

dann erzähle ich jetzt ma von silvester, zur abwechslung etwas handfestes... (und es wird kürzer, tätäää)

silvester soundtrack: mr.vain – dr alban, two princes – spin doctors, die da – fanta 4, I've got the power - snap, stark – ich+ich

>>die nacht vorher betrunken, trotz gleichgewichtsprobleme tischtennis spielen, klappt ganz gut. so'n elijah-wood-ähnelnden typen treffen, der 29 ist (ach! du! meine! güte! wie alt!), deutsch und angeblich Leslie heißt. ihm nicht glauben, was ihm egal ist. neuseeländer treffen, dass mich total aus dem häuschen bringt! einen typen – ähmmmm ralf? sebastian? - der mir ne kippe anbietet, annehmen, versucht mich zu überzeugen so'n papier gegen das nichtraucher-gesetz zu unterschreiben, ihm erzählen, dass ich das nicht tun werde, da ich nichtraucher bin.
31.12. aufwachen, schrecklich fühlen, duschen, k***en, zum flughafen fahren, rob wiederhaben und wegen schlimmen kater gar nicht genießen können, raus aus flughafen, fast wieder k***en (ich war noch nie so stolz auf meine selbstbeherrschung!), zu hause rein ins bett. nach 6h schlaf um 18uhr aufstehen, ausgehen, zum 1. mal an diesem tag was essen, sehr scharf, lecker. mit sine, lori, russ und rob erbeerdaiquiris trinken – für mich ohne alkohol. dann ab zur party eines freundes von robs freund, lustig dort, neue gesichter, coole 90er mugge, wenig alkohol für mich, ne menge für rob und lori. versuche, mich zu entspannen, spaß zu haben, klappt fast bis kurz nach mitternacht als rob mir erzählt, dass er den job in bern angenommen hat. ja, das hilft mir die sorgen um meinen paps zu vergessen! danke! dann isser weg, weiter feiern, mir is nach reden, finde jemand, den ich so verständnisvoll nicht eingeschätzt hätte. wann werde ich endlich aufhören, leute auf den ersten blick/ eindruck zu beurteilen? jemand anderes benimmt sich auch auf eine weise, die ich nie vermutet hätte, aber im schlechten sinne, rummachend mit diversen anderen personen, emotionslos, bedeutungslos. aber ich bin nicht diejenige, die urteilen sollte, solange ich selbst noch ne menge fehler mache... merkwürdige nacht, beängstigendes neues jahr, gefangen zwischen der sehnsucht einfach spaß zu haben und der notwendigkeit all meine probleme zu lösen. starten den heimweg gegen 4, kommen halb 6 an, rob total am ende, ich total durcheinander, sine ziemlich einsam. die illusion, dass alte sorgen mit dem alten jahr verschwinden ist nun für immer dahin...<<

soviel dazu. ich sollte die dinge mehr als chance sehen und (endlich) was daraus lernen. manchmal braucht es ja nur einen anstoß um wieder mut zu schöpfen: wie als ich vor ein paar tagen im nachtdienst zu einer bewohnerin rein bin um sie in bett zu bringen und gerade da das zimmer betrat als eine gewisse szene von hdr2 im fernsehen kam. es geht um die stelle von der schlacht von helms klamm, wo alle hoffnung verschwunden ist, der gegner übermächtig und das schicksal besiegelt scheint. plötzlich jedoch schöpfen alle mut, scheinbar aus dem nichts, aber zu recht wie sich herausstellt, denn gandalf taucht mit der aufgehenden sonne auf und der kampf wird gewonnen. da ich ja nun nicht an zufälle glaube erscheint mir das wie gottes art mir freundlich einen tritt in den hintern zu verpassen und zu sagen: los jetzt! nicht aufgeben! solange ich immer einen grund finde, für den es sich zu kämpfen lohnt... aber vielleicht brauch ich nichtmal das, sondern nur einen grund, warum es keine gute idee ist aufzugeben...

don't stop trying

you know these days, weeks, when everything just seems to work against you. and whenever a problem is solved, an obstacle has been overcome, a new one is waiting right behind.
*sigh* I know I got loads of energy but I already need it for all the stuff I'm doing. I really can't complain about nothing going on, there's university, my two jobs, frisbee, a few other hobbies, my family and most of my friends in dresden and not forget Rob, too far away... the simplest way of relaxing is just taking more time for myself, that's what I already did by working less. Still, in the nearer past there were too many bad things keeping me from just enjoying my life. cause I know it's wonderful and at the moment I'm not able to appreciate it...
my Dad had a heart attack, a serious one, my Mum was all shocked... luckily she has friends taking care of and looking after her so I could sneak away to Berlin. I may seem to be a strong person but whenever there's a problem I rather run away than stay and fight!
Rob told me that he's definitely going to Bern in April/May this year but what really scares me is that leaving the country probably means leaving our relation ship behind, it's all not decided yet... just another thing I can't do anything for at the moment. and I hate to be helpless, another feeling just as being dependent!

so what' left for me to do?
well, there's no way to stop trying, right?

aus'm FF ins neue Jahr gedivt

wow, Weihnachten hat mich noch nie so wenig interessiert wie dieses Jahr; Stimmung, Lieder, Plätzchen backen, da gab's andere Prioritäten... Und dabei half das auch ungemein, sich auf das wirklich wichtige zu konzentrieren: die Gesellschaft von Freunden und Familie zu genießen. Ich will nicht angeben, aber zu Heiligabend konnten mein Bruder und ich fast komplett auf jede größere Form von Streit verzichten, hey-hey! :)
wow, I never cared less about christmas as I did this year; mood, songs, baking, there were other priorities than that... And I reckon it really helped to focus on the most important things: the community of friends and family. I don't wanna ...boast... but my brother and me mamaged to avoid every kind of bigger argument. yay-yay! :)

and now... Ladies and Gentlemen... I proudly present...
THE PRESENTS!
(prollig präsentiere ich die Präsente!)

- aus der Kategorie lustig:

endlich ma jemand, der die wichtigsten Pro und Kontra in einer Dokumentation vereinigt. siehe auch Olafs andere Prunkstücke auf youtube, lohneswert vor allem für linguphile!

- aus der Kategorie Musik:

what a great interpretation! for everyone who does not know the original, see youtube...

- und zu guter letzt lustige Musik:

ich hoffe, es ist auch für nicht-Muttersprachler verständlich... there're from New Zealnd, what more shall I say? nice dry humor... they got more, gotta watch!!!

Es gibt noch ne ganze menge mehr tolles Zeusch, so ne internet flatrate ist genauso zeitstehlend wie ein Fernseher. Vielleicht sollte ich meinen Computer wieder abschaffen...
bis dahin bleibt mir aus Zeitmangel nur der virtuelle Weg um allen nen guten Rutsch aus dem frohen Fest ins neue Jahr zu wünschen... divt ins Vergnügen!
:)
There's a lot ore great stuff, such internet flatrates are as time-consuming as a TV. Maybe, I should get rid off my computer as well...
till then the only thing left for me is to send a virtual "happy-slide-from-christmas-to-new-year"-wish... dive into the fun! :)

visual contact & gemischte gedanken

*
die welt in schwarz und weiß
*

donnerstag 13-12
today in english and german, damit jeder seinen teil bekommt, auch wenn es etwas verwirrend wird (was auch nix neues ist) - you may not understand every detail (but that would be something new anyway...)

merkwürdiger traum letzte nacht... I was dreaming about being in New Zealnd, aber so sah es das gar nicht aus... more like Stockholm! ich hatte 2 Freundinnen dabei, 2 friends that I wanted to show the country, but since we had only a few hours we didn´t see anything because we couldn´t make up our minds. wer sich nicht entscheiden kann, hat am ende gar nichts, und so sahen wir auch nicht viel. außer nem spielplatz. what does it mean if you are dreaming about playgrounds? lustig war, not only funny but also surprising, that I could remember it, und ich sagte: hey, vor einer weile hab ich geträumt in NZ zu sein, ich wusste doch, dass es war werden würde... das war ein zeichen! so my former dream about being back in NZ became true in another dream... yeah, what an interesting way of fulling my wishes.
vielleicht bedarf es manchmal nicht mehr, als nur an etwas zu denken, um glücklich zu sein. it´s the thought, that counts, isn´t it?! at least it helps brigding the time gap until you can make it real. also besser mit träumen die zeit überbrücken als resigniert dahinleben. because someday...
ok, langsam hat mich die weihnachtstimmung auch erwischt. but what would that mean, the christmas-fever caught me? that I eat even more chocolate, start being nice to others - also weniger schubsen in der S-Bahn, die rüden Nachbarskinder grüßen, auch als fahrrradfahrer die stvo beachten (although I really think bikers should have special rules, no traffic lights etc), ... - putting lichterketten in my window? no no no. christmas means: mehr stress, noch mehr genervte leute, und am ende enttäuscht sein, weil man sich das doch ganz anders vorgestellt hat! ho ho ho.
ok, maybe I´m exaggerating and I just fear to be disappointed because in truth I love christmas und ich will, dass es gut wird! wanna spend it with the ones I care about, freunde, familie, aber jemand, der mir wirklich am herzen liegt, gen westen er fliegt. jesus, I should stop being moaning - vor allem als reim-beschwerde - it´s probably gonna be great. so toll, wie jedes jahr...

why life should be more like ultimate*

as promised, so sollte es sein:

- I´d call "distance!" at the cashpoint in the supermarket, when some impatient people behind me are pushing their damn trolley in my back. / ich würde "distance!" rufen, wenn an der supermarktkassemir mal wieder jeamnd voller ungeduld den wagen in den rücken rammt.

- I wouldn´t have to explain to everyone, "what the hell" is ultimate?! / ich müsste nicht immer jedem erklären "was zur hölle" ultimate ist?!

- there´d be no judge /referee. / es gäbe keinen schieds-/richter.

- you´re part of a team, maverick´s don´t get far. / du bist teil eines teams, einzelgänger kommen nicht weit.

- everyone would be sportier, more fun and more spirited. / alle wären sportlicher, man hätte mehr spaß mit ihnen und sie hätten mehr spirit.

- you´d call "freeze!" everytime something is not clear or if there are other interruptions. then life would just stop for a few seconds. / man könnte "freeze!" rufen jedes mal wenn es unklarheiten gibt oder sonstige störungen. dann würde das leben mal kurz anhalten.

- you´re opponents in the game but afterwards you´ll always forgive and hug. / im spiel seid ihr gegner, aber nachher wird immer vergeben und umarmt.

- if life would be more like ultimate we could all relax more and enjoy because it´s all about the spirit! / wenn das leben mehr wie ultimate wäre könnten wir uns alle mehr entspannen und genießen weil der spirit die hauptsache ist!

~to be continued / fortsetzung folgt~

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mein leben ist toll!
...exept for the distance, the future and all the thoughts about it.