indifference

today I was wondering what the perfect day would mean for me...
First of all I would wake up not knowing how this day is gonna be. It'd be just before sunrise, so I go out and see the sky getting light. Then I'd make myself some coffee, have breakfast in front of the open window and listen to "El Morro". While brushing my teeth I'd look into the mirror and find myself looking ok.
There no specific ideas about what happens next, probably nothing work-like and definitely no dentist! When checking my mail I'd have a postcard from a friend who's enjoying their holidays and wishes I would be with them, and a letter from my phone company who apologize for the inconvenience and accept my demand to get one more free month. On the street someone would smile at me without any special reason. I'd take the bike instead of the public transport, be much faster and listen to great music while riding in the sun. I'd meet someone unexpectedly and have an interesting conversation while we'd have our lunch.
When I'd come home the kitchen wouldn't look like a mess and when I turn on the radio they'd play at least two songs I really liked and haven't heard for a while. A friend would call and we talk about things we've done together, have a nice laugh and make an appointment to see each other soon. Of course there'd be frisbee practise where I'd do some nice catches/ throws/ lay-out's... and my trainer would tell me I've done well.
I'd make dinner with friends, someone - not me - would do the dishes. We'd drink wine, play games and, above all, make music together, whereas I'd play a Neil Young song on the guitar and everyone else sings along.
Before the day ends I'd go out for a little walk, look at the stars, feel the wind blow and have a little tear in my eye because I'd realize who lucky I am and that it has been a perfect day.

so... does this sound so unachievable? The truth is, every single day I find one of these small things happening, not all at the same time, though. I'm not looking for the big events like wining the lottery, attending a private concert of Billy Joel or saving the world. I just want to be able to enjoy normality with all these special moments, which I really can't at the moment. I'm not gonna have a perfect day. I'll go on with my life, or better: It goes on with me caught in it, wanting to be and act differently, failing. But tell me, how much difference does it make?

Verweigerung - refusal *

again, I got a soundtrack, this time as for late winter's season, for when it's sunny and snowing outside sometimes but grey for the most of it...



to my surprise I found all the songs on youtube, not all of them in good quality, though.
the playlist:

1. the decemberists - the crane wife (after a japanese legend, also listen to the album of the same name)
2. tracy chapman - fast car (I just need someone to drive me... ;) )
3. soko - I'll kill her (thanks for the recommodation, Peda!)
4. beatles - you've got to hide your love away ("there'll be someone else..." bla bla)
5. five for fighting - superman (has life always been so difficult? I can't remember...)
6. ben harper - walk away ( "oh no, here comes that sun again...", great line)
7. joy division - transmission (this vioce... what an atmosphere...)
8. colourful grey - to end all songs (bad version on youtube, thrilling when performed live)
9. blink 182 - miss you (...and I always will)
10. kate nash - foundations (what's gone wrong?)
11. janis joplin - leaving on a jetplane (john denver's also great on this song, but I love the dumbo-vid on youtube! so cute!)
12. timmy thomas - why can't we live together (why?)
13. bee gees - and the sun will shine (it's true, I suppose...reminds me of old days with my mom...)
14. pearl jam - indifference (wow, eddie's voice is great. youtube has a nice version with ben harper)
15. queen - somebody to love (the incredible sound of freddie and his gang)
16. the who/ pete townshend - drowned (saw it live, different who-style, still amazing)
17. martin sexton - diner (you can't deny this little moments of pleasure between all that darkness... especially with scrubs on it)
18. the coral - dreaming of you (first heard on copa, full of memories)
19. ted's band - somewhere over the rainbow (performed in scrubs, goose-bumping)
20. suede - next life (...)

there's no song to express my exact feelings, I never had that before, but this time I couldn't find none to truely describe my situation. I guess, I have to write it myself. and it disproves my theory that all good songs have already been written and performed, all feelings have been expressed...

so what's left for me to say now, after all that great music above? well, thanks to people who (unlike me) still believe in what I'm doing, I reckon there'll be a time when I go on, as for the moment I have paused. I refuse to accept, to look forward and especially to forget.

no matter I often I'm told
time will outlast the pain
I'm reluctant to imagine
to give up on our love

don't try to change that.
or as my dad put's it: " 's is, wie's is." (it's how it is) life always goes on; and that's why it never has a happy ending, as they pretend in movies. life just doesn't end. you know, somehow I don't find that very consoling...

*~*

das wichtigste auf deutsch:
was bleibt mir nun noch zu sagen, nach all der wundervollen musik oben? nunja, danke einiger leute, die (im gegensatz zu mir) noch an die dinge glauben, die ich tue, schätze ich es wird zeiten geben wo es für mich weitergeht, wo hingegen ich im moment einfach nur pausiere. ich weigere mich zu akzeptieren, vorwärts zu schauen oder gar zu vergessen.

egal wie oft mir gesagt wird
zeit wird den schmerz überdauern
ich weigere mich mir vorzustellen
unsere liebe aufzugeben

versucht nicht das zu ändern.
oder wie mein papa gerne sagt: " 's is, wie's is." das leben geht immer weiter; und deswegen gibt es auch niemals ein happy end wie einem in filmen gern vorgegaukelt wird. das leben hört nicht einfach auf. nunja, irgendwie finde ich das nicht sehr tröstlich...

stuck between past and present*

es ist fasching, alle verkleiden sich. da is noch platz in der maskerade. ich bin ein fröhlicher mensch.



du bist gegangen, mit dir der glanz im leben. es ist wie unter milchglas...
versuche, meine probleme in rauch aufzulösen. emotionen ertränkt in nebel. suche nach antworten im dunst...

frisbee lenkt ab. damen quali, frankfurt richtet aus, gemütliche atmosphäre. mein team hat riesen fortschritte gemacht innerhalb eines jahres, können mithalten. alle genießen das wochenende.
ich bin eine schlechte schauspielerin. fühle die abneigung mich zu verstellen, nur um meiner würde und der illusion willen wird sie überwunden. "du siehst blass aus..."
das spielen läuft super, endlich sind wir alle ein team. ich kann mich nicht richtig konzentrieren, lasse oft die scheibe fallen, unnötig. viele knappe spiele, brauchen die männer um in stimmung zu kommen und den kampfgeist zu erlangen. werden dritter, sind sehr zufrieden. und müde...
keine zeit, mich zu verstecken, zu viele dinge zu erledigen, deren enthaltung zuviele fragen ausfwerfen würden. ich will keine antworten geben. jemand fragt "wie gehts?" und ich hab das gefühl in der falle zu sitzen. gar nicht gehts. gefühle vergraben. schacht dicht.

samstag abend, essen mit 2 der damenmannschaften, lustige runde. verzweifelter anruf einer freundin, ihr freund hätte mit ihr schluss gemacht. fahre später nach hause, um mit ihr zu reden.
sonntag abend, mein nachbar taucht auf um mir verbittert von der trennung von seiner freundinzu erzählen... in was für einer kaputten welt leben wir eigentlich?

es ist doch nichts besonderes... alle haben probleme. warum sollte ich meine noch dazu addieren? zumal niemand etwas ändern kann...daher kann auch niemand helfen. nicht jetzt.
wenn alles untereinander gesagt wurde verschwindet die hoffnung, dass worte von außenstehenden noch viel ändern werden...
ich bin innerlich taub, will und kann nichts fühlen. glücklichsein scheint außer frage, sobald man gefühle zulässt wird man kaum mehr kontrollieren können, was es für welche sind.

sinnlosigkeit drängt sich auf, ziele verblassen, werte verlieren ihre gültigkeit.
im radio spielen sie "helau!", fröhliche karnevalsmusik, alle sollen mitmachen!
"I woke today, suddenly nothing happened..."
aufstehen hat sowas von an attraktivität verloren. es fehlt an guten aussichten. es fehlt an der basis und am besonderen gleichzeitig. es fehlt an dir.

schneide meine haare ab, die spitzen sind kaputt, viel zu lang. eine halbe stunde, nachts um 1, mindestens 3 kilo. irgendwie macht's das leichter.
die feststellung, dass verdrängung gut funktioniert, lässt reden zum umkehrschluss werden und scheidet aus aus dem rahmen der möglichkeiten. je weniger desto besser. zu viele möglichkeiten machen einfache dinge sehr kompliziert.

was bleibt ist der wellengang, hin und her gerissen zwischen unentrinnbaren glücksmomenten und unvermeidbarer leere. solange ich die kontrolle behalte geht alles in ordnung.
wie geht's?
ja, es geht in ordnung.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it's carnival, everyone's dressing. there's still space in the maquerade. I am a happy person.

[see the video above]

you are gone, and with you life's glamour. it's like under milky glass...
try to let my problems end up in smoke. emotions drowned in fog. search for answers in the dust...

frisbee's distracting. women's quali, frankfurt's organizing, laid-back atmosphere. my team has made a big progress within the last year, we can keep up. everyone's enjoying the weekend.
I'm a bad actress. feel the refusal to dissemble, just for the sake of my dignity and the illusion it's overcome. "you look pale..."
the playing's going on pretty good, finally we're all a team. I can't really focus, drop the disc many times, unnecessary. many tight games, we need the men to get into the right mood and find our will to fight. come in third, are very happy. and tired...
no time for me to hide, too many things to take care of and surely abstention would bring up too many questions. I don't wanna give answers. someone's asking "how's it going?" and I feel trapped. nothing's going. feelings burried. pit closed.

saturday night, dinner with 2 of the women's teams, funny group. desperate call from a friend, her boyfriend broke up with her. I go home later on to talk to her.
sunday night, my neighbour shows up to tell me about his bitter break-up with his girlfriend... what's that busted world we live in?

it's nothing special, is it... we all have problems. why should I add mine on top? especially when noone can change anything... that's why noone can help as well. not now.
when everything has been said among each other, hope vanishes that words from outsiders could still change something...
I am numb inside, can't and don't want to feel anything. being happy is out of question, as soon as feelings are allowed it gets hard to control of which kind they are.

senselessness is imposing, goals are fading, values are losing their validity.
they play "helau!" in the radio, happy carnival-music, everybody shall join in!
"I woke today, suddenly nothing happened..."
getting up really damn depreciates. there's a lack of good perspectives. a lack of basis and particularity at the same time. a lack of you.

cutting my hair, got split ends, way too long. half an hour, 1 a.m., at least 3 kg. somehow it makes it easier.
the detection that repression works well makes talking the reverse and drops out of the bounds of possibilities. the less the better. too many possibilities make simple things quite complicated.

what's left is the wavy up and down, being torn between inescapable lucky moments and unavoidable emptyness. as long as I keep control everything's going ok.
how's it going?
yeah, it's ok.