everything is obscured

when the wine circulates in your blood and makes the present moment just a little more intense, when for an instant you feel not able to distinguish between now and before or after, when you open the window to let the cool air freeze your emotions just to enable your body to sense something at all, then you know it has caught you once again. just when you've left the comfort and security of someone's presence, when their light and warmth hasn't quite vanished, it's already waiting. you open the door to your room, not expecting it to be right there, right then, but time and place make no difference. it's been there all the time, inside of you, carried around without being noticed. you don't call it fear, but you're scared, and you don't call it pain, even though you're hurt. you're only lonely.
it builds walls around you, not to keep you in but to keep others out. wearing a mask of ridiculousness makes it seems superable until you are holding the sword against your own heart. how can you kill what's a part of you? calling out for a voice to ease your aching soul, you find silence at the end of the line. the tinny sound of the answering machine echoes trough your head, a swirl of shock and suppressed despair.
in the end you're feeling only sadness, your tired eyes look into the distant sky, where tomorrow the sun will rise again. the loneliness only lasts until everything is illuminated.