horrible and great

it's still early... quite early for a student at least. my friend Marie just left, on her way to the airport, off to Canada. she told me how nervous she feels and how afraid. the weird thing is, just after she got into the train and I turned and walked back home, I started feeling fear as well. at the moment it looks like I'm really flying alone to Sardinia, since Gesine had an accident at the football training (damn football, should play ultimate, it less dangerous! right, Gerald?!) and can't even walk with her injury... oh my god, I was so busy during the last weeks, I have no idea about the holiday, no further plan than the dates of arrival and departure. well, I have been on my own before, in New Zealand, much further away, much longer. but still...

"One night to be confused
One night to speed up truth
We had a promise made
Four hands and then away

Both under influence
We had divine scent
To know what to say
Mind is a razor blade

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no"

the last weekend was one of my greatest ever since I play ultimate. our women's team, Frau Rauscher, outplayed everyone and scored point after point against teams whom we lost to x:sero like a year ago...(and an important factor: I was satisfied with myself which sometimes is independent of the team's effort.) we could hardly believe when our trainer told us we were in the finals and look even more confused after a 13:6 score against the Mainzelmädchen ("enemys" ever since). I remember how bad I felt after the first game on sunday since I didn't do any good as the rest of Frau Rauscher and we lost. I needed a break, went outside, in the sun, listened to Ben Harper, let everything out what would keep me from focusing later on. and it worked. We won the second game against Niedersachsen, the best team from the qualification, and then Volker told us about the finals. I was so happy I almost cried... Who would have expected that? I needed to tell someone. and then we beat the Mainzelmädchen... what? we won? Dirk wanted to take pictures of us celebrating and jumping but it took a while 'til we realized what happened. we were Deutscher Damen Meister 2. Liga!!!!!!!! incredible! seriously, even when the score had been 11:5 we were sure they would come back and still beat us. but no. we won! sorry, I just can't say that often enough! It may not sound anything special to anyone outside of Frankfurt/ ultimate but you gotta remember that a bit more than a year ago we lost EVERY game. some of the other women couldn't believe we're the same team. Finally, after all these trainings, lost tournaments but also social events, Frau Rauscher got rewarded for the hard work. We wouldn't be there without Volker who always relived our competetive spirits and sometime believed in our strength more than we did. I was more than grateful to be part of such an amazing team!

"One night of magic rush
The start a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief

Ten days of perfect tunes
The colors red and blue
We had a promise made
We were in love"

that was sunday. on monday my grandma called, saying: "hey, do you hear me? Listen, I just wanna say goodbye!" you can imagine who shocked I was, expecting the worst... then she said she'll go to the hospital, enteritis. later on, my mum told me, it's not THAT bad and chances are good that my grandma will be out during the next week. I wondered why life can't stay nice just a little bit longer than 1 day...

on tuesday Gesine called to finally end the story of our holiday, involving an not fast enough healing injury and a lot of sadness. poor her! again, I wondered....
during the last days Marie was in Frankfurt for a short visit, it's been great to have her around. but I didn't get anything done. now it's thursday, and it makes me a little nervous that I don't have a plan. it always does. I think the problem is that it still surprises me so much that life surprises me!
actually, I'm happy. finally! but - yeah, there's always a but - there are these moments when I miss him so much and feel sorry, ashamed and lonely and the world stops turning for a second. I take a look at the people around me, see my reflection in their unhappy eyes and the desillusion of what I thought was believe in ourselves. It's hard not to pitty yourself when you're sure to have done everything you could to make it better. maybe - and that's what I must be convinced of right now - a holiday on my own is exactly what I need. facing the fear and see what it can do if I let it come over me without me struggeling and getting much stronger afterwards... that sounds like a plan.

"And you, you knew the hands of the devil
And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth
Sharing different heartbeats
In one night

To call for hands of above
To lean on
Wouldn't be good enough
For me, no" *